Handcuffs, Teddy Bears, & Poetry: Introduction

"Handcuffs, Teddy Bears, & Poetry (for the insane)", was spawned from suggestions of friends well over a decade ago because of Birthday and Christmas cards that I would make for them. The idea, then, was that I was going to compile over time a collection of poems and short stories and forcefully insert them into a crapshoot of a book... Seeing as how I have done NOTHING with it, with the exception of trying to collaborate several times with illustrators, and editing and deleting otherwise possibly interesting pieces, I have decided to start sharing it, right here. It would be overwhelming to the point of your brain exploding and oozing out of your ears were I to share it in it's entirety, so for now, I will begin with the introduction to the book.

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W    A    R    N    I    N    G

I, The Author, am in no way responsible for any mental or physical conditions that you may have developed while perusing Handcuffs Teddy Bears & Poetry. If this in any way changes your life you should think within the space of seven breaths before sharing the details. References made herein to famous and non-famous people, products, companies, religions, ethnic groups, as well as private, local, national, international, global, galactic, profit and non-profit organizations were done so in a manner meant to cause no harm or hard feelings, so those who take offense can eat a bag of severed unseasoned dicks. It is advised that you use caution around live wires and open flames as this material is likely to be flammable, and if projected with enough force could also be a potentially dangerous weapon. To avoid paper cuts please refrain from eating these pages or wiping your anus with them. In the event of an apocalypse with a likely shortage of toilet paper and a legal system, you may completely disregard this suggestion, although destroying any remaining literature would be a damn shame. This book which I’ve classified a poetry book actually contains very little poetry and is full of various forms of crap because I decided that it should. Okay, the truth, there is poetry, but it may be far too intellectual for you to grasp, if you are reading at a grade one level. Many words used were mainly for rhyming purposes, though most of this crap is erratic and does not rhyme at all. In other words, this crap is full of crap, so I hope this crap wasn't that expensive. Handcuffs Teddy Bears & Poetry is going to be full of notes from myself, The Author, because I like to explain stuff about things here in great detail with big words and fancy grammar... Beyond that, I like to write as if I am speaking (or better yet, rambling) to you, The Reader, and share useless facts with those who may possibly have curiosities about said pieces. Another reason for these notes, and perhaps the most important one of all is to satisfy myself, because in the end, the important thing is satisfying yourself. This is the first book that I have written with intention of publication and it is a collection of pieces that spans a time period of over ten years. Having said that, it will appear as though I write very infrequently, or very slowly, and the truth is, it is a combination of both. I could go into isolation and do nothing but write for a few weeks or months at a time, but that would just be fucking boring! I have an active social life, that consists mostly of drinking with friends and family, and going out for karaoke or some other event that involves drinking, and although I’m not an alcoholic I’m sure my liver could benefit from a break. Where was I? Some things you read may be disturbing; most other things will come across as unintelligible, and more often then not, confusing, truthfully again because it is unintelligible and I may have been on drugs while writing it. If you are reading this on drugs, I should state that I do not condone drug use, even if it aides the reading experience. In closing, if I in any way offended any persons or animals that may have some how read my material, or heard it spoken aloud, I would like to state once again that I am in no way responsible for you have been warned. Still I apologize although I am not responsible and never will be. Never ever.

Thank-you kindly,

The Author.