Go

To bed. Sometimes you don't need to do anything when you get home other than brush your teeth and pass the fuck out. Scene.

<3

Submerged in the Process

I had a magical moment today... There I was, in a wet suit, floating on my back in ice cold fog covered water, when out of the mist I started to notice butterflies fluttering above me... There were only a few, but I was surprised that there were even any at all. I watched with a distant feeling, with my ears under the water, and my body swaying with the tides. Despite how fucking cold I was at that moment, it was a peaceful experience. The reason I was there was to help a friend shoot a scene for his demo reel... I was a drowned snorkeler out in the middle of the ocean, whom is unable to be resuscitated after being turned over and having vomit cleared from his mouth! My role was miniscule, I just had to look dead (not easy when submerged in ice cold water that creeps into your nostrils and mouth)... It was fun, and very very very, very cold. I was happy to do it though, because I like doing stuff like that, and because this friend took time out of his day to help me rehearse my lines... He too is making a return to acting and this was something he wanted on his demo reel.

This is what needs to be done if you want to get noticed in this business. You got to get your feet wet! Or, in this case, your bones right down to the marrow. If you want to succeed at anything, ladies and gentlemen, you have to immerse yourself in it, submerge yourself completely. Just dive right in! For the next few weeks, I will be rehearsing lines and preparing myself for my return to the stage after a seventeen year absence. I need to prepare myself. In a few hours I will be meeting another friend who will help me with this, the rehearsal process... PROCESS! This is a serious matter when it comes to ones work. What is the best way to remember lines? Simple... Read. Read. Read. Personally, I feel it makes a huge difference to have someone else reading the pages while I stay off book and try to go by memory. Another process I am going to try is recording a slow read through and then playing it back and speaking my lines out ahead of my own voice on the recording. I feel this could help... I feel there are many processes which will be useful, and instead of trying to figure out which one works best for me, I should use a little bit of all of them. There may be something that is useful to my learning process and I wouldn't know it if I just tried to stick with one process... Does that make sense?

I think my brain functions are still a little slow. We did spend quite a bit of time in that water...

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Yesterday was not the greatest day in the history of me. I found myself meandering about in a disconnected state, for a fair portion of the day... I have a friend in my life who was doing something that went against their character in a specific situation and I felt like I needed to call them out on it, make them accountable, and I did. It didn't go down how I wanted it to, but it went down, and my spirits went down with it. It was upsetting, but doing the right thing isn't guaranteed to produce sunshine and lollipops.

I decided that I needed to make myself busy, that I needed a change of scenery. So, considering that I needed to rehearse some lines, and that I had never been to High Park in the eight years that I've lived in Toronto, I decided to go there and work. I can't say this made me feel much better, but it was nice to be outside, and it was a wonderful discovery... High Park is awesome! I eventually made my way back to my new home (which I will not be settled into until the end of the month when I actually move all of my stuff here), and thought about how much easier this line reading would be if I had a scene reading partner. I tried not to dwell on it for long, so I posted a status update on my Facebook profile about it. Then it happened... I didn't just get people responding and saying they would be happy to help, I started getting phone calls from people I didn't even think would care to help, who said they would love to. It was a good end to an otherwise solitary and lethargic (still somewhat adventurous) day.

I am thankful for the friends I have and have had in my life.
If any of you are reading this right now...
Thanks... I appreciate you.

The Universe Is Listening

You heard me. By "you" I of course meant the few people who will read this. I suppose I, in a double entendre, also meant the universe. Hello, and thank-you kindly for your time.

It has been said that if you truly want something, positive thinking can manifest it into reality. It has been said... Right? I mean, I can't reference this to anything or anyone specific, but is has been said. I'm pretty sure of it. Well, whether it has or not, I am saying it now because I know this to be true. I knew this to be true for many years in fact... Why am I blogging about it tonight then, and why didn't I blog about this years ago? Well, this blog didn't exist years ago for one, and for another, tonight just so happened to be an example of this sort of manifestation.

Over the last few months, I've found myself helping others with line readings for plays, and standing in doing lines with actors on television shows, and it began to stir something inside of me, something that I forgot was there. The joy of entertaining others... The rush of being up on stage and being in time with the other performers... It is an intimate feeling, with both the performers and the audience, and even more with oneself... I have missed this feeling. I had, I suppose at an earlier point in my life, put the thought aside of being an actor and pursuing something else within the entertainment industry because, well, I don't know why? At the time, I wasn't living in Toronto, I had a difficult time finding an agent, and I didn't have any training, nor did I even think to go to school for it... Why? Fear perhaps. I might have been afraid. I had a lot of people who expected me to become a famous Hollywood actor and I put it all aside. Maybe I wasn't sure it was what I wanted, or I thought I was just doing what other people wanted me to because I enjoyed making people happy, or maybe I didn't think I would have a healthy lifelong relationship if I became famous, because who in the business really does? I'm sure there are a few, but very very few, and I feel I really wanted that then... Whatever, I'm rambling now! Anyway... I started to feel like I needed to rekindle my passion for acting, so I told it to the universe. At first, I tried to get some auditions... I ended up landing one, for a part that I didn't fit the description, which I didn't get, though I did impress the panel from what I overheard as I was leaving. From there I landed one other audition which I didn't go to because it was sketchy and my friends were concerned that I would end up drugged, molested, and possibly dead had I shown up to it. Then for a while, there was nothing, nothing except that desire to get back to doing what I used to love doing so much, so I told the universe I wasn't finished yet... Then in happened...

Two nights ago I got a message from a friend who said that a theatre group she works with was looking for a few male actors to be cast in a play scheduled to run six times in November. I was asked to show up and do a reading as the main character in one of the two plays in the production... Tonight, I showed up, and discovered that I wasn't the only person reading for the lead role. There was only one other person, who seemed to be familiar with the production staff of the theatre group. As it turns out he was in other productions of theirs, but I did not think for a second that I wouldn't get the lead role because of that, because the character was almost me. You know me? A nice guy, who in this story dies and asks for a second chance to come back and do things a little better... Yeah, sounds like something I would do. So, I got the part. We read through the script twice... I was a little nervous, but I felt it worked for the character, so I embraced it. What was the worst that could happen? I could die? Not likely, but then if I did I would have at that moment become the best method actor EVER. I am not dead though. No, I am quite alive. I feel good about this... This is just the beginning.

Stay tuned.
<3

ps. Oh yeah, the point... Don't give up on your dreams. Give up on your doubts.

Crazy Notion While Failing To Sleep Comfortably

I have at several points in my life thought it would be an interesting challenge, or experience, to live with no fixed address. You know, throw my stuff into storage for a couple of months, and wander about even if within the city. Why not? $90 a month for a storage unit? $25 membership at a 24/7 gym with showers? I have a bicycle. I could buy a yearly metro pass since I'll be on the move so much. I have a phone that doesn't require an address for billing, as it is drawn from my bank account automatically, so I can check my email and take calls anywhere. I have friends who will let me sleep on their couch once in a while. I have family who will worry immensely and insist that I stay with them and not be a crazy person. The problem there is, I AM a crazy person. I would comply with them once in a while obviously, because I love my family, and the comfort of a home would be undeniably wonderful once in a while. It wouldn't stop me from being a crazy person though...

I wouldn't be doing the work I love right now if I wasn't crazy and didn't take the chances I that I did. So, why stop? Why haven't I done this yet? I think I could get by at $500 a month... Two days of work a month and I'm covered! What would I do with myself though? Well... I suppose I would buy a decent camera and take photos along my walkabouts. Sit at coffee shops and write. Pick up fresh fruits and vegetables from markets. It would suck not having a kitchen, but I could survive on avocado, rice cakes, beef jerky, and other raw foods. When not crashing on couches I could use the gym for a work out, and a quick nap, perhaps? I could be one of those people who you see walk into a park during the day with their sleeping bag for some shut-eye... That could be me! I'll still take as much work as possible, bank the money for a while, and then get myself situated in a nice place.

Hmmm... The winter isn't the best time to start, but it could still work. What have I got to lose?

Jump

If you are perched on the ledge of a tall building right now, contemplating the meaning of life, for some reason reading my blog, then do not comply with the title of today's post. Life might kick you square in the teeth sometimes, or shatter your fragile heart and mind to pieces without warning, but it IS worth living.

A week ago today was maybe one of the best-worst days of my life. Life, as it is, is full of moments that challenge our integrity, our values, our minds, and our hearts, and this day I speak of wasn't short of either four those challenges. My relationship, the longest one I've had to date, which I had considered the healthiest, tenderest, most honest one I've ever had, ended. It was an amicable parting of ways... It was very loving. It was very real. I equate it to jumping out of a plane, which I did four weeks ago. It didn't feel like what it was... I was falling, but it felt like I was flying. One week ago today... I was falling apart inside, but it felt like I was growing. There was an intensity I cannot describe, because I felt like I was in a state of zen, or just overcome with a bewilderment that overwhelmed every other sense in my being that I had no capacity to feel anything else. I was simply amazed at the beauty and honesty that is life.

Jump. What does that mean to me in this moment? It means the same thing it did when I started on the path to pursuing my dreams. We're given opportunities in life to challenge ourselves, to grab onto the tail end of a storm that will hurl us around without compassion or sympathy and possibly leave us hurt, confused, or broken. The goal of course is to succeed, to triumph over fear and adversity, but unless we jump, the only thing we'll be left with is assumptions of what might have been. I've been jumping a lot lately, and why not? We can either jump, or we can continue to dream on...

I'm going to make the best of this month. I'm going to continue jumping... This month hasn't started off so great, but I can make it the best month I've ever had if I persevere through the storm, the waves of emotion, and sail out of it towards something better. I can already say I'm happy with where my life is going, and that I'm pleased to have experienced everything that has happened in the last few weeks the way I have. I've lost a great love, but held onto a dear friend. I've rekindled old friendships and passions. I am creating my life with my own hands. I know what I want, and I am putting it out in the universe. The stars are shining brightly for me.

<3