You Know Who You Are...

I was recently put in a position where I had to make a choice between two people, by way of honoring a broken but valued relationship, or honoring a healthy and developing relationship. Did I do the wrong thing, following the "out with the old, in with the new" mentality? No, I don't believe I did. I do however have a lingering dissatisfaction with the outcome of my choice, as I suppose is expected, in the sense that things don't always turn out as we hope they will. I had little choice but to reach out by way of email... The message I conveyed was that space was necessary, as was some sort of acknowledgement of fault in the matter, and the message returned was that of severance, and victimization. In the words of Radiohead... "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts. You do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else, you do it to yourself."

What I did was right. That is what I have to tell myself. I catered to myself in a situation where it was expected I would cater to the emotional comforts of someone else, to whom I was always flexible, and understanding. They put me in a position that challenged my character, that promised me nothing, and would cost me my own happiness, for nothing more than making things a little easier on them... They were being selfish. I understood the situation to be difficult for them, but they didn't think about how the situation looked from my perspective. Making things easier for them was what I was trying to do in the first place, the only problem is that with all the claims they made about taking chances, growing, and changing, that they continue to do things the same way. Throwing stones in your own pool isn't going to create ripples in the ocean, it'll just eventually dry out your pool. I in some ways feel like that water that has spilt out, away from them, back into the earth, where something else will grow with my love and affection. If I've left anything behind it will be the hope that they eventually grow in such a way that they find happiness, with or without me.

My message to anyone who might read this... What begins, in one way or another, will eventually end, but your character is something that will remain long after you're gone. It is the thing people will remember you by... Don't sacrifice that for anything.