Life, Made Simple.

There are some simple truths to life. One being, the best way to live it is honestly. It is best to be honest to yourself, and to other people. If you hold anything back in the moment then you're letting other forces make decisions that will shape your future... There is nothing wrong with allowing this to happen once in a while, but it is your life, and you should take ownership of it as often as possible. Another simple truth to life, is that you reap what you sow. Whether you're planting seeds of hope or seeds of doubt, whatever you plant has the potential to grow into something greater than you can imagine. It is important in this case to remember to be positive, and live with love. Life is a gift... Your hopes, and dreams, exist somewhere within it. If life sees it fit to send something wonderful your way, accept it, be grateful, and share it with others. If you keep a seed in your pocket, it will never grow. If you tell yourself you don't deserve something, it will escape you, so believe that if anything good comes your way, you've earned it. Another simple truth to life, is that it has beginnings, and ends. Ups, and downs. Joy, and sadness. You can't have any of these things without the other. You can try to simplify your life by removing things from it that make it seem difficult, or scary, and you might even be able to replace them with something less chaotic... The greatest truth to life though, is that it is inside of chaos, it is on the edge of fear, where life is most beautiful.

May you find your chaos. <3

Keep That Chin Up Mother Fuckers

We are everything and nothing! That's right. We're all one, and we're all on our own. The only thing between you and everything else in this world is your decisions, and your reactions to all of the inevitable changes that will occur throughout your life. What am I getting at here? Nothing, as far as it matters. What could my words, the words of one person in this world matter? Nothing to most people, and to some, maybe everything... This is relevant to a conversation I had tonight with a new friend. It is also relevant to the events which transpired earlier in my day, which started off tremendously bad... I think I hurt someone today. Better yet, I'm pretty sure I hurt someone today. I am mostly certain of this because I hurt myself in the process. I did this with words. I did this with good intentions. I did this with a heavy heart. I cried today because of it. Yup, I did. I don't like hurting people. I especially don't like hurting people who mean the world to me. Today however, I hurt one of these people, but if I didn't do it today, I feel I would have hurt them much worse down the road, and myself as well... I almost feel like it was selfish of me, but then if it were, I doubt I would have been so emotional about it, and even still if it was selfish, well maybe I deserve to put myself first once in a while, instead of others, even if putting other people first makes me happy. I have to practice what I preach though, being, "we're no good to other people unless we're good to ourselves"... So, I had to, even though it hurt.

Oh, I'm drunk right now. I wouldn't say it's the reason I'm sharing this, because I'm generally an open book, and I honestly don't give a fuck if it bothers people, because I know that some people respect my honesty, and those are the people that matter. So yeah, I'm drunk because I decided to go out on a friend's suggestion rather than sit at home alone in a state of depression and confusion. It turns out that the friend's suggestion put me in a very intimate venue where my cousin's band was playing. It was nice, connecting with two of my cousins tonight, along with some other very interesting people. It was unexpected. It was eye opening. Despite the dark clouds of inner sorrow, the day turned out to have some silver linings... Despite what I might think of myself sometimes, I'm fucking awesome.

Guess what... You are fucking awesome too. Keep it up.

<3

The Calm After The Storm

The play I rehearsed for several weeks, and performed six times, is now over. It was received very well, and for myself was a great experience. I've rekindled my passion for acting, and find myself missing the process of rehearsals as well as being on stage already after only five days. As much as I feel this way I will be stepping back from the next project the theatre company is doing... It opened up a door to new considerations, and I find myself questioning what comes next... It is scary, exciting, and depressing all at the same time. I feel a little lost... I know I need to focus on developing myself creatively, and professionally... Fuck, it's a big deal though. I know it's a big deal because any moment of change in someone's life is preceded by self doubt, and fear of failure or success... These are the moments where we want to run away, change paths, or cut ties, and do the thing that seems easiest... That isn't forward momentum though, that isn't growth. I can keep climbing, or roll back down the hill... Ugh. Fuck you hill, I'm climbing.

The Calm Before The Storm

Tomorrow night I return to the theatrical stage after a seventeen year absence. I loved being on stage when I was in high school, so what took me so long to get back to doing the things I loved? I could spend days or weeks or more analyzing all of the factors, the moments where I decided to be stagnant, but that would get me nowhere. Instead I'll look at one of the key moments that moved me forward... I jumped out of a fucking airplane! What does that have to do with acting you ask? I took a deep breath, I centered myself, and I took the plunge. I didn't back away. I accepted everything that came with the action. I weighed the pros versus the cons, and I told myself that none of it made a difference. The only things that were important was that I wanted to do it, and that I was going to do it, no matter what it would take. To me, acting is the same. If I could jump out of a plane, I could return to the stage.

Tomorrow night I return to the theatrical stage where we have been rehearsing this play for a few weeks now. "The Death Of Me" is what we'll be running. I play a man named John Adderly, an overly nice guy who finds himself bartering with the Angel of Death for a chance to go back to earth and die in public rather than alone in his apartment where his mother would surely be the one to find him. From there it spirals into something else all together, causing a couple of laughs along the way. My character gets stronger and stronger every time I'm up there, and I have yet to perform in front of a public audience. I can only imagine how much more exciting it will be with the energy of the spectators at the foot of the stage. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm ready.

Today... I'll do laundry. I'll read my lines. I'll go for a walk. I'll think about my life. I'll smile. I'll sleep.

<3

Go

To bed. Sometimes you don't need to do anything when you get home other than brush your teeth and pass the fuck out. Scene.

<3

Submerged in the Process

I had a magical moment today... There I was, in a wet suit, floating on my back in ice cold fog covered water, when out of the mist I started to notice butterflies fluttering above me... There were only a few, but I was surprised that there were even any at all. I watched with a distant feeling, with my ears under the water, and my body swaying with the tides. Despite how fucking cold I was at that moment, it was a peaceful experience. The reason I was there was to help a friend shoot a scene for his demo reel... I was a drowned snorkeler out in the middle of the ocean, whom is unable to be resuscitated after being turned over and having vomit cleared from his mouth! My role was miniscule, I just had to look dead (not easy when submerged in ice cold water that creeps into your nostrils and mouth)... It was fun, and very very very, very cold. I was happy to do it though, because I like doing stuff like that, and because this friend took time out of his day to help me rehearse my lines... He too is making a return to acting and this was something he wanted on his demo reel.

This is what needs to be done if you want to get noticed in this business. You got to get your feet wet! Or, in this case, your bones right down to the marrow. If you want to succeed at anything, ladies and gentlemen, you have to immerse yourself in it, submerge yourself completely. Just dive right in! For the next few weeks, I will be rehearsing lines and preparing myself for my return to the stage after a seventeen year absence. I need to prepare myself. In a few hours I will be meeting another friend who will help me with this, the rehearsal process... PROCESS! This is a serious matter when it comes to ones work. What is the best way to remember lines? Simple... Read. Read. Read. Personally, I feel it makes a huge difference to have someone else reading the pages while I stay off book and try to go by memory. Another process I am going to try is recording a slow read through and then playing it back and speaking my lines out ahead of my own voice on the recording. I feel this could help... I feel there are many processes which will be useful, and instead of trying to figure out which one works best for me, I should use a little bit of all of them. There may be something that is useful to my learning process and I wouldn't know it if I just tried to stick with one process... Does that make sense?

I think my brain functions are still a little slow. We did spend quite a bit of time in that water...

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Yesterday was not the greatest day in the history of me. I found myself meandering about in a disconnected state, for a fair portion of the day... I have a friend in my life who was doing something that went against their character in a specific situation and I felt like I needed to call them out on it, make them accountable, and I did. It didn't go down how I wanted it to, but it went down, and my spirits went down with it. It was upsetting, but doing the right thing isn't guaranteed to produce sunshine and lollipops.

I decided that I needed to make myself busy, that I needed a change of scenery. So, considering that I needed to rehearse some lines, and that I had never been to High Park in the eight years that I've lived in Toronto, I decided to go there and work. I can't say this made me feel much better, but it was nice to be outside, and it was a wonderful discovery... High Park is awesome! I eventually made my way back to my new home (which I will not be settled into until the end of the month when I actually move all of my stuff here), and thought about how much easier this line reading would be if I had a scene reading partner. I tried not to dwell on it for long, so I posted a status update on my Facebook profile about it. Then it happened... I didn't just get people responding and saying they would be happy to help, I started getting phone calls from people I didn't even think would care to help, who said they would love to. It was a good end to an otherwise solitary and lethargic (still somewhat adventurous) day.

I am thankful for the friends I have and have had in my life.
If any of you are reading this right now...
Thanks... I appreciate you.