"When we are born, we cry that we are come. To this great stage of fools." - King Lear

I've cried all sorts of tears. It takes but nothing to cry, it's natural. I was born more or less the same as all of you, screaming and crying, no doubt for being thrust from the womb all slathered in blood and fluids, cold and naked, into this cruel and unusual world. Oh yes, it is true, the world is cruel and unusual. Further more, it is also true that it takes nothing to cry but the will to let it happen when we feel emotional.

I will, in as short a way possible, share an emotional tale as true as the sky is below our feet when we dream. On February 14th, 2014, a day known by most as Valentine's Day, I found a movie ticket stub in the inside breast pocket of a coat I was wearing at work. The peculiar thing about this ticket stub was that it was from a movie I saw exactly two years earlier to the day, February 14th, 2012, with a very significant ex-girlfriend, the day she told me she loved me for the first time... Without getting into her backstory, or rather our backstory, the gravity of those words was tremendous to say the least. I was floating on them, until it all came crashing down. I had cried like a fool over her, but I did not cry when I found the ticket stub. I stared at it pensively, and laughed a little. Why cry anymore over her? A year after we broke up she put me in a position to cheat on my next girlfriend, then essentially ended our friendship of four plus years (a quarter through which we dated), more or less because things didn't go her way. They didn't go my way either, really. I get that all is fair and love and war, but she tried to put it all on me, the - whatever... I was happy, and I ended up being happy again with someone else (that's a story for another time), but finding that ticket really made me think about love, and what I expect to get out of the insanity of it. I'm single now. I'm not entirely lonely however, I'll say that much. I think this is a good thing... My life is changing, as it tends to do, and as it has before, love will find it's way to me when I'm doing the things that I love.

I have an old movie ticket stub to burn. Goodnight...

It's Coming Together

I've been a busy body lately, and it's looking like this is going to become the trend... Lots of work, lots of social activity, and that's the way I like it. I just worked an entire two episodes while battling sickness (that almost got the best of me) and now that the show I was on is done, I have a few days to relax before getting back to it, working on a film project in Niagara Falls for the month of October, where I will be put up in a hotel with a pool, gym, and wifi (so I can play GTA V online with my bro once in a while). I'm looking forward to the experience, as it will be somewhat of a mini-vacation, and because I will be surrounded by some cool people! Having said that, I'm also looking forward to November, as something I've been wanting is finally coming together... Instead of moving out of my apartment to find something with a suitable workspace, I'm slightly increasing my current rent and taking over a larger room in the house, so that I can have a live/work space separate from one another in the same house! I lost a set-up very similar to this at this very time last year, and now I'm getting it back! Oh yeah!

:D

You can now go back to whatever it was you were doing. Thanks for stopping by!

I've been thinking a lot lately... You might have smelt something burning.

What are the things that matter to us most that we owe it to ourselves to strive for through the rest of our limited days on this massive yet miniscule rock floating in endless space? Hope is one thing. No matter how bleak things may be at any given moment in anyone's life anywhere across the world (some areas vastly more than others) I think we all want to hope for the best, because without hope why would we even bother to wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Though I prepare myself for the worst, I usually hope for the best in all situations, and not just for the benefit of myself. Speaking about myself though, two things that I personally desire, are a career that presents the freedom to have a creative space in which I can work on projects that I am passionate about, and a relationship with someone that compliments my personality, with whom I can share my passions. So I want these things, and hope for them... By doing this I might just get lucky, but if I go one step further and take action, my chances will improve. Where do I start though? What is the process for achieving such feats? How are we supposed to compete with every other individual on the planet with their mind's set on the same prize?

It's simple... We take a chance.

I've taken many chances and I've come pretty far I'm proud to say. I've been achieving personal goals, and am continuing to pursue greater challenges... It requires a lot of hard work, and difficult things like self motivation, pain, and struggle. A flexible plan is also useful. I have one of those, and I'm following it. It's somewhat terrifying because there is absolutely no certainty for success, but I have hope, and I'm taking that chance... At the moment work is steady, plans are falling into place, and I'm feeling confident. Now I just need my own place with a work room. It's close to happening, again. Yes, again... This time last year, amongst many things, I was turning half of my apartment in to an animation studio, I had gone from being happy with myself, to being happy in a relationship, I even jumped out of a fucking plane, and everything was looking great. Then, as the nature of things do, they changed. It was a difficult time for me. I would say I lost a little more than my way for a while for some time following that, but I'm back at it now. I'm going to have that ideal living situation sorted out, and eventually I'll have the relationship thing going well too. Until then, it's back to being happy on my own. At least that is what I tell myself... To be honest, once you're in a relationship you enjoy, you miss it when it's gone. I've only ever had two serious relationships in my life that I actually enjoyed in the sense that I was truly sad that they came to an end. They took place over the last two years, one after the other, the first ended mutually and amicably, and then fell apart because of the development of the second relationship, which I put an end to very recently because all of the compromise and expectations were falling on me and not on my partner... I was very happy, and had elements of what I wanted from a partner in both of those relationships, but neither it would seem were meant to last. So, what have I not been doing to find the right partner? I have thought a lot about this... I've come to the conclusion that I haven't really been doing anything wrong, except for maybe not listening to my friends when they give me warnings... I've followed the plan, I've taken chances, and I've had some experiences I will never forget, both ups and downs. I'm looking forward to having more...

Anyone reading this... I urge you to formulate a plan, and wish you luck with setting it in motion.

<3

Sometimes You Have To Let People Know They Suck

So, I was hired (or so I thought) for a full-time position on television show two weeks ago, after working for three days as a daily. I found out today that although I was told what the shooting schedule was in advance (to make sure I was available), that I was not actually needed for the show, and that I MIGHT get a phone call for a future episode if they needed anyone. I had booked off days from my part-time job to accommodate this production, as well as turned down some other work... So, having been struck with disappointment at the lack of communication, I wrote an email to the producers of the show...

***

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Michael Torelli. I was hired as a Production Assistant, but worked as a 3rd AD during the shoot days at 15 Fraser in Liberty Village. I enjoyed working on Hardcore Heroes very much, and was looking forward to coming back, which is what this email is in regards to.

I was incredibly disappointed after having a brief conversation with the Production Coordinator this morning regarding my being needed, or rather NOT being needed any further. The reason I was disappointed was that during the days I was on set I was told by the 1rst and 2nd AD's (in front of one of the producers) that I would be getting hired for the duration of the show because they were beyond satisfied with my help. Now, I can understand not being paid more than a PA rate while coming on board as a 3rd AD due to budget constraints, and I can understand that due to those same constraints that some people might not be required any further, but what I do not understand is why this was not communicated to me until I started asking questions as to why I didn't receive a call sheet. When I was told I was being hired for the duration of the show, I was told what the shooting schedule was going to be, and therefore not only booked days off from my part-time job for the next two shooting blocks (which has put me in some hot water with them), but I also turned down other film work to keep my commitment to this production. This has become a rather sizable inconvenience to my welfare, and "well, we'll keep you in mind if something comes up" is an unacceptable way to deal with such a disastrous lack of communication. In the past, I have been compensated by productions when such last minute changes occurred.

Having said all of that, I do not hold on to any hope that Hardcore Heroes will compensate me for dishonoring what I understood to be a verbal contract. In the future, I will be certain to protect myself from situations like this occurring again. I suppose I have Hardcore Heroes and Proper Television to thank for that. As producers, I thought it was important for you to know what happened, because the people you hire and the level of professionalism they show is a direct reflection on you.

Regards,

Michael Torelli

***

I received a phone call almost immediately after sending that email from one of the producers, who was absolutely livid with me. It turns out one of the people I emailed was the owner of the company, and my email was going to get some of the producers in huge amounts of shit. She was angry and apologetic, but mostly angry that I didn't contact her directly about the matter. She sounded shocked when I said I would write a follow-up apology...

***

I realize you have all just received an email from me which seemed to fully express my feelings regarding the events that took place, and I wanted to point out that albeit it true, I realize it was an emotional response on my part, and that the fault was in no way any of yours. Having gotten it off of my chest, I realize I may have created problems for people who are not deserving of them. So, I apologize if these emails in any way cause trouble for anyone, as my intentions were to simply make whoever should have been aware that AD's were telling people they were being hired, were made aware so that these miscommunications and unfortunate circumstances that have befallen me do not occur with anyone else.

Sincerely,

Michael Torelli

***

I then wrote a third email, but only to the female producer who was swearing at me on the phone, telling her that I didn't appreciate her calling me and swearing at me, and pointed out that I could have hung up on her and proceeded to write a much different follow-up letter to everyone that detailed my getting accosted for bringing to light a situation in which the only person truly inconvenienced was myself... She wrote back simply thanking me for the email, and that she appreciated what I did.

A note to anyone who is ever hired by means of a verbal contract... If you are ever hired verbally, be certain to send an email to whomever hired you, thanking them for the work, and highlighting the fact that you're going to be available for the days on which they have verbally hired you... This way, if they try to deny that verbal contract, they then have to explain why they didn't respond to your email to clarify that you weren't actually hired. Got that? Good.

Unwritten Letters

Sometimes I wonder how you've been doing, and want to reach out and wish you well... It is clearly obvious though, that I have not. You have gone too far away. I often think about many people in my life that I do not see enough, and caring as I do I keep them in my heart, and hope the very best for them. I still do that for you. Though we have grown apart, and walls with barbed wire have gone up between us, the feelings I once had for you are the same, or at least mostly the same... I have no doubt in my mind that I will see you again. I only doubt that we'll be happy to see each other when it happens, but I'll be happy to know that you're well when the moment has passed.

You Know Who You Are...

I was recently put in a position where I had to make a choice between two people, by way of honoring a broken but valued relationship, or honoring a healthy and developing relationship. Did I do the wrong thing, following the "out with the old, in with the new" mentality? No, I don't believe I did. I do however have a lingering dissatisfaction with the outcome of my choice, as I suppose is expected, in the sense that things don't always turn out as we hope they will. I had little choice but to reach out by way of email... The message I conveyed was that space was necessary, as was some sort of acknowledgement of fault in the matter, and the message returned was that of severance, and victimization. In the words of Radiohead... "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts. You do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else, you do it to yourself."

What I did was right. That is what I have to tell myself. I catered to myself in a situation where it was expected I would cater to the emotional comforts of someone else, to whom I was always flexible, and understanding. They put me in a position that challenged my character, that promised me nothing, and would cost me my own happiness, for nothing more than making things a little easier on them... They were being selfish. I understood the situation to be difficult for them, but they didn't think about how the situation looked from my perspective. Making things easier for them was what I was trying to do in the first place, the only problem is that with all the claims they made about taking chances, growing, and changing, that they continue to do things the same way. Throwing stones in your own pool isn't going to create ripples in the ocean, it'll just eventually dry out your pool. I in some ways feel like that water that has spilt out, away from them, back into the earth, where something else will grow with my love and affection. If I've left anything behind it will be the hope that they eventually grow in such a way that they find happiness, with or without me.

My message to anyone who might read this... What begins, in one way or another, will eventually end, but your character is something that will remain long after you're gone. It is the thing people will remember you by... Don't sacrifice that for anything.

A Blog About Nothing

You never know till you know, and even then, you'll only know it by your own perception. WHAT am I talking about? I'll be honest ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just clicked "compose" and started streaming my thought process. I suppose I should apply the starting statement to life. What specifically about life? How about EVERYTHING? Lets take my life for example. Why my life? Well, it is MY fucking blog for one thing, and who better to talk about it than me, you? Please, I welcome your words on the matter! Until anyone else chimes in however, you're dealing with me. Dealing with me... That's what I'm doing with me at the moment, dealing with myself, with my life, and all of the unexpected experiences that I've been having in it thus far in 2013. What have I discovered? I'm flawed. It's not like I didn't know this already, but I've had reminders, and in reality, those kinds of reminders are actually somewhat refreshing. I'm also very adaptable, and full of surprises. It's not like I didn't know this either, but again, rediscovering things about yourself is wonderful. I highly recommend everyone try it. Could I give you specifics on both sides of the coin to better illustrate these learned lessons? Absolutely! YES, I could. I won't though. Sure, I'm an open book, but I'm not going to sit here and turn the fucking pages for you. If you really want to know, you can set aside some of your personal time and I'll guide you through the pages. Besides, I share a little too much with people sometimes. I need to hold on to some of it for me... I'm taking back mysterious in 2013.