Something New, Something Else...

It is Thursday morning. I am awake after having not really slept in... I don't often get enough sleep, and when I have the opportunity to sleep in, well I don't always take that either. I heard it said on some sort of television program by some sort of scientific researcher that it is not really possible to "catch up" on lost sleep... I know a lot of people that would argue that. They'd say "Dude, I slept for an extra few hours last night and I feel MUCH better"... Seriously? Of course you would, you didn't sleep enough for the few days preceding it, your body was tired, but you didn't undo the lack of sleep from the days before. Think of it this way... The sleep that you didn't get, was in the past... You can't catch up to the past, it has to catch up to you... Anyway, it is Thursday morning, and I am awake after having not really slept in...

My arms are sore, still, from Tuesday. My personal trainer really had me do a number on myself... This is the first time I've been this sore from one of my sessions. My arms are so tight right now I could deflect bullets... I hope not to prove that however. I am okay with the pain, it is a good pain... My heart (oh woe is me) is still a little bit sore, but also much stronger at the moment... My relationship did fall apart last week, but it came back together. The friendship part of it has grown, and the relationship part of it, well, is still somewhat fragile... Whatever happens at this point, whether it hurts or not, like my strength training, will be for the better. I'll just have to take chances and hope for the best...

Speaking of chances, I'm going to be jumping from an airplane in four weeks... August 11th. I'll be strapped to a professional because they don't let amateurs jump on their own for a free fall, which would be awesome, but it will still be a great live experience, even if there is a possibility that it will be the last thing I experience. I of course hope that it won't be the last thing I experience! There are many great experiences that life has to offer... My advice to you, is to jump at them whenever you get the chance.

<3

Dreaming Life Away

I wanted to stay in bed today. I wanted to sleep. Dreamland is the place where I can be anyone I want to be and go anyplace I wish to go, and it doesn't cost anything at all... I decided I would get out of bed though. Why? Well, as much as I consider myself a dreamer, I'm quite realistic, and I know that the only thing staying in bed alone will result in is me becoming extremely lethargic and slightly more depressed. That aside, my life outside of the comfort of my bed is actually quite good, and I don't want to let it pass with my head nuzzled into a pillow.

"How is it good?" I had to ask myself this morning at that moment I considered dragging myself out of bed... You know, it wasn't that easy to think about. I thought about all of the fantastical projects I want to work on, all of the things I want to create, some of which keep bouncing around in limbo and might some day be lost with my mind forever, and others that are slowly materializing, and I realized that creating for myself is something that wasn't the most important thing to me... I realized that what I've always wanted to do the most was help other people create, to be a muse, and to be immersed in social circles where I could thrive with creative people, and I'm very much doing that with my life. I'm living part of my dream... That I thought, is awesome. That I thought, was a great reason to get out of bed. I can be a muse, and I can even create something for myself, or do something good for myself today with my free time. So, I got out of bed...

"How could it be better?" I had to ask myself as my feet touched down on the floor... This was even more difficult. I thought I knew how it could be better, the answer was simple, I could be in love... Fact of the matter is, I am in love, and am loved in return it would seem, but it is over now. I've never missed someone's face so much, and have been so emotional sporadically through the day... It has only been two days since my relationship ended but it feels like much longer. I could have stayed in bed and dreamt about love, and still being wrapped in it, but it wouldn't be real love, and it wouldn't help me get over the fact that I no longer feel as complete as I did two days ago and for the seven months or so that preceded it.

"What do I do now?" I wonder, at this moment. I'm seriously feeing a little bit lost. I'm living my dream and I'm feeling lost, even as things are moving forward and taking shape, I can't figure out what my place is within it, but I'm going to have to keep going on faith, that I was happy and hopeful and certain that where I was when I placed my foot forward to get here, was the place that I wanted to be, right here, right now. Today is the first day of the rest of my life...

I Haven't Stopped, Have You?

So it would appear as though I have given up on this blog...
That is not the case, it is far from it actually...
I've just been doing other things.

Big news. I'm going to be a Godfather soon, for my nephew Gabriel.

I've been preparing for weddings, been to two already in the last month, outside of the city, and I have another two coming up soon.

I've been wanting to improve my health, so I decided I get myself a personal trainer. Is it a waste of money? It is expensive, that much is true, but it is proving to be helpful... I'm investing in myself I say. Purchasing information that I will be able to use for myself, properly, once the sessions are done... Seven more weeks to go...

Another thing is, I put an ad on craigslist in which I'm getting random people (generally aimed at the acting community) to interview me and converse with me on whatever topics they wish. I plan to use some of this for something I'm going to call "Brutally Honest Conversations With Strangers" (working title), and use part of the time to get input on "Gastronomical Disasters", to get the ball rolling on that as well. I put it up yesterday. I have one interview getting set up already from it.

Plant a seed, give it some water, give it some love, watch it grow.

That's where I am right now.

<3

Letter To A Loved One

There is a simple fact I have to come to terms with. I love you, and I am not the only person who is going to be in love with you... Just like you love me, and others are likely going to be in love with me as well... This is something we have to accept about our love, that other people will want it, and that our hearts are big, and we will share our hearts with others, but our love, that special love, will be for just each other, otherwise it is not truly love. It is something I want to do, that I am prepared to do, to trust you, to love you, and it may seem like a simple thing to do, and it can be simple thing to do, but sometimes it can be difficult as well... I read something someone said to you, publicly, affectionately, and through the words of a song, how much they loved you, and longed for your love... It pained my heart somewhat, to see you accept it kindly and openly, because my love, our love, is something that you don't share publicly... You speak frequently, publicly, of your struggles, and of "friends" who help you through them... I know in many of those cases, you speak of me, because I am your friend as well as your lover, but then I wonder how many of these other people, like he who calls you babe, actually knows that you call me love, like all of the people I meet and speak with come to know of how I love you.

I'm A Little Fucking Crazy, Alright?

I am a healthy, fortunate, young man, in a developed opportunity-filled country. I am following my dreams, or at least elements of them, and taking things as they come one day at a time, I'm making progress... The path may not have been so direct as I had imagined taking it, but sometimes currents are powerful and once you take the dive, they take you, and you either swim off to the side and get out, fight to stay afloat, or drown. I am proud of myself for eventually taking the chances that lead me to where I am now, and for making positive changes in my attitude... So why do I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, why do I sometimes find myself pondering the worth of my life and reasons for living? I'm not a king, or a diplomat, nor have I been charged with the responsibility of saving the world and it's people. The only weight on my shoulders is that which I choose to carry... That is the answer actually, as simple as can be, I feel that way because I allow myself to feel that way. We all do it. Why?

That, I don't think I have the answer for, because there are just too many right answers. Fact of the matter is when things are at their best, we tend to expect the worst. So, in that sense, things must be going well for me, because lately I've been thinking some unnecessarily upsetting things...

Luckily, there are just as many solutions...

I figure there are three types of people in the world: 1) People who manifest positive energy. 2) People who manifest negative energy. 3) People who manifest neutral energy. Then there are those from each of the three, which is potentially everyone, who manifest whichever kind of energy they choose given the condition of their spirit, their mood, and their nature, relating to a cornucopia of situations, at any given moment of every day. I consider myself the positive type, as in a majority of the time... That said, I have a lot of negative thoughts. Though I may not allow those thoughts to manifest into reality, and often turn them into positive thoughts, sometimes they can create stress, and depression, and anxiety.

Where is one of these solutions I mentioned? It is within you to discover for yourself...

Here is an example...

You've started a new job and things are going very well. You enjoy what you do and you do it well. You begin to think something irrational like "I don't think my boss likes me, I don't think they're happy with me"... What happens then? Do you feel awkward and make up stories in your head that create an odd tension whenever you're around your boss, or do you tell yourself "It doesn't matter what my boss thinks, I could be wrong, the important thing is that I'm doing my job and I'm doing it well... What can I do however, to be better for myself?" and/or "My boss likes me, maybe things just seem odd because they have having an off day, and I should be mindful of that." ...See where I'm going with this? I hope so because I'm beginning to feel a little lost again.

I was feeling cooped up yesterday. I got home at 6:30am after working out of the city, on set for close to thirteen hours, and slept for only about five hours. Anyway, I was feeling cooped up and someone very close to me pointed out how the last few times she's called me and I've been at home, that I've felt like I've been cooped up. It didn't really occur to me that I felt that way so much until she pointed it out. I've been trying my best to not feel that way. I go to the gym, except when the weather has been crap, which it was yesterday, or I just accept that I feel that way and try to be productive. Once in a while, I'll try to get out and see some friends... Then I started to realize one of the things that has been bothering me. Friends... Or rather, feeling like I don't have any. This is not entirely true... I do have friends, lots of friends, I have some very close friends that I've known for most of my life still... The only problem with those ones is, I see them very rarely, maybe two or three times a year, and communicate with them infrequently. I have other friends, ones whom I see in groups about once a week or every other week on average these days, but then I don't feel a lot of those friends really know a lot about me. They know pieces, but do they know me? Does it matter? They're still good friends... The best friends though, the few that I have, I either don't see much at all, or befriended because they ended up not being very good friends, and were just people who took advantage of me, and others we've lost touch with time. Sometimes that makes me feel like I'm a bad friend, and that I have no best friends... That I don't have many people I feel like I connect with one on one, and it feels lonely.

Then it occurred to me that I feel disconnected. I don't see my family much. I live on my own now and although it is something I need, and enjoy, I no longer have people whose company I enjoy for simple shit like watching shows or discussing creative ideas close by, on a whim. I have a wonderful girlfriend whose company I enjoy more than anything, or maybe as equally as top quality chocolate or a fancy meal with a superb glass of vino, or a great day of work, or a night out with friends and many laughs... Yeah, I enjoy her that much. Sometimes though, I feel inadequate... I wonder why she even likes me. She has so many friends and acquaintances who she admires and respects for their talents and creativity, as they do her. She has these great connections to people, and these connections are things that I feel I am lacking... Am I worrying when I shouldn't be worrying? She tells me she loves me. She shows me she loves me. Am I just looking for problems because I am happy and expect things to go wrong, or do I feel bad for being happy when things in the world aren't so great? Maybe that's it? What can I do though?

What can we do? Maybe seeking professional help is the answer? Maybe I need a therapist? Maybe EVERYONE needs to sit in a circle and share their fears, their joys, their deepest darkest thoughts and secrets, and discover whether or not they are alone. If this happens, people who don't understand another should learn to not be so judgmental, and people who understand but disagree should learn to be compassionate. Maybe some people don't have problems, but I would think most people have questions... Everyone has a different perspective, and answers can often come from the places you least expect them. Why aren't we helping each other on a larger scale?

Fuck, I feel like I'm rambling. I think I just needed to sit at the circle and share. Call me crazy, irrational, call me whatever you wish. I am just being honest.

Anyway... I realize I should touch base with my friends more often. If I feel disconnected I should reconnect myself in some way rather than feel stagnant. So yesterday, I did that. I got together with two friends, played video games, had some pizza, some beer, and even worked a little bit on a project the three of us have been discussing doing, being, making a video game. Baby steps.

To my friends, family, and my love: I appreciate all of you. I probably don't say it enough, and with some maybe not at all. I do value the time we share though, and wish sometimes that there was more time to spend in your company. Sadly, we only have so much time, and many dreams and responsibilities...

To everyone else: Thanks for listening.

Short Story Exercise: Hannah Gets Her Hat Back (Revised)

So, a couple of weeks ago I wrote a short story "Hannah Gets Her Hat Back" as a short exercise, and wrote it in about two and a half hours. I would have spent at least another thirty minutes on it but I had plans that evening and felt like I rushed it near the end. So, I took that story and spent another thirty minutes on it today, this is the result of the revision.

*****

Hannah Gets Her Hat Back

by Michael Francis Torelli

The stone laden wall was built quite high but knelt below the majesty of the trees, of which there were several on each side, branching out close enough to the wall that their leaves mingled together in the breeze, and that one with agility and audaciousness might be able make their way up, over the wall, then down another tree and back again, or so thought Kevin.

Hannah, a woman as beautiful as the most splendid summer season, of which she’d lived to see twenty-seven, stood with the wind blowing her long blonde curls, curiously watching a devilishly handsome stranger dwell on the dynamics of defeating the perceptible deterrent of a wall. She thought perchance his age close to hers.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m afraid it is lost.” proclaimed Hannah.

“Nonsense, I can see it right there, in those hedges.” pointed Kevin, through the large iron gates that connected two sections of wall surrounding a grand historical building, and several acres of well kept grass, gardens, and hedges, one of which held Hannah’s summer hat captive from whence moments earlier a gust of air removed it from her head and hurled it up over the wall and out of her reach. Kevin, merely passing by, witnessed Hannah’s distress and kindly offered his services in retrieving it.

“Well yes it is there, but we are here, and this wall divides us.” says Hannah.

“A minor detail.” responds Kevin, meandering towards one of the trees.

“You can’t be serious?” she delivers, placing her hand to her hip for emphasis.

“I can be whatever I want, lady, within the realm of reality at least. Having said that, yes, I am quite serious.” says Kevin, touching the tree plotting hand and foot holds.

“Why are you doing this?” asks Hannah, who in her adult years had grown accustom to all sorts of men doting on her, and trying to impress her, which she found amusing as well as annoying, but in this case more than all the others, charmed.

“Because I haven’t climbed anything yet today.”

“You climb something every day then?”

“No, but I believe it is important in life to try new things.” says Kevin, beginning his ascent of the tree with a fair amount of ease.

“Yes, but it looks dangerous. I don’t think you should do it.”

“Well it would be ungentlemanly of me to suggest that you climb wearing a floral summer dress and heels. My parents raised me better than that.”

“Indeed they did.”

“I am living in the moment. Today is the best day in the history of the world. I’d rather die right now without a doubt in my mind that I couldn’t do something I believed in my heart I could.”

“Who said that?”

“I did. There is a possibility that was someone’s famous last words.”

“Could be yours?”

“That’s ridiculous. I’m not famous.”

Hannah explodes into laughter, causing Kevin to stop as he is nearing a set of thick branches that extend out over the top of the wall. “I don’t have a hole in the butt of my pants do I?” questions Kevin.

“No.”

“Made you look.”

“Very funny, monkey man. You’re really good at this you know?”

“The tree is doing most of the work. In fact, I think I could let go and it would hold me in place. Should I try?” says Kevin, releasing an arm from the tree.

“No! Please don’t do that. You’re almost there, don’t fall.”

“Almost? Top of the wall is the half way point, this is more like, one-third.”

“Very true. Just being supportive, you know?”

Kevin begins crossing the outstretched branches toward the wall, when he again stops and diverts his attention to Hannah. “I’m going to go out on a limb here, I’ve got to tell you something...”

“What?” wonders Hannah aloud, her mind ablaze with what might follow.

“Out on a limb, get it?” smiles Kevin.

“Oh my god! Was that it?” smiles Hannah, containing her contagious laughter.

“Not quite.”

“What? Continue, please.” insists Hannah.

“Well earlier, I thought maybe you were slightly pessimistic, but now I’m pretty sure you’re optimistic, and assertive...” says Kevin, starring Hannah directly in the eye.

“And?”

“I like that.” Kevin replies, the both of them smiling amorously. Kevin breaks away and makes his way across the branch, places his feet firmly atop the wall, then shuffles a few steps over towards the branches of a tree that will take him down the other side.

“What is your name?” asks Hannah, totally enamored with her new hero.

“Kevin, Kevin Hannah. Yours?”

“Hannah Smith.”

They both smile and almost laugh a little bit, relishing romanticized thoughts that were they to marry, Hannah would be squared, even though she was every shape Kevin could possibly imagine.

“I’d shake your hand but, I’m up on this wall.” says Kevin, miming the act of shaking hands, then shrugging his shoulders.

“That’s okay. How’s the view from up there?”

“Beautiful.” says Kevin without looking away from Hannah.

“Well now. Its a pleasure to meet you, Kevin.” says Hannah, blushing.

“I am honored, and I’ll be exhausted by the time I get back over this wall.”

“I didn’t ask you to do this you know?” says Hannah, trying not to laugh.

“I know, its a pleasure to do it for you though.”

“Thank-you.”

“Thank-you? I still have to rescue your hat.” says Kevin, crossing the branch.

“Its a rescue now?” says Hannah, intrigued.

“Yes, I heard some squirrels talking about using it for a love nest.”

“Oh no. You better hurry then, please, but carefully!”

“As you wish.” says Kevin, crossing the branch to the tree in record time.

Hannah watches with an ear to ear smile as Kevin jogs towards the hedge where her hat awaits a valiant rescue. She takes note of his athleticism and broad shoulders while indulging thoughts of being in his arms, and entertaining the notion of his reward as he returns to the large iron gate to pass the hat through to her. “Thank-you sir.” she says bashfully, trying to mask any indication that she is lusting for him.

“You’re most welcome.” says Kevin, still holding onto the hat, lost in the endless ocean of Hannah’s blue eyes.

“Have you grown that fond of my hat already?” Hannah asks, coyly, fixed on his sleepy green eyes, wondering if he wanted them to be in a dream state next to hers.

“It is a beautiful hat, so maybe. There’s a little more to it.” replies Kevin, the butterflies in his stomach making him feel as light as air that he could fly over to her.

“Something on your mind?” inquires Hannah, taking a step closer to the gate.

“Yes...” replies Kevin, taking a step closer in tandem with her.

“I am swelling with curiosity to hear about it.” Hannah says, her eyes widening in disbelief of herself and the words forming on her pouty lips.

“Wow. Yes... Will you still be on the other side of this wall waiting for me when I climb back over?” Kevin asks, as if the moments that had unfolded around him were just fictitious creations of his mind he feared might come to an end.

“I will if you want me-”

“-I do.” Kevin interjects, before Hannah can complete her conjecture, smirking at the timing of his words in correlation with hers. He did want her, and now he was certain that she knew it. He releases his hold on Hannah’s hat, and takes a deep breath.

“What will we do?” asks Hannah, blushing yet again.

“I suppose we could just see where the wind takes us.” answers Kevin.

“That sounds delightful.” says Hannah, affixing her hat to hear head. “Hurry back to this side before I lose my nerve, please.”

“I’ll be there before you can say ‘Hannah has her hat back’ one-point-four-seven million times fast, and if you lose your nerve before then, I’ll help you retrieve that too.”

It's Been A While, But...

...I'm getting back to this after a week of not writing. Someone noticed, aside from myself that is. So, what do I have to say for myself? I've been busy!

...I ended up working on the set of Lost Girl again. Great crew, great cast, great experience. People seemed happy to have me back and it looks as though I very likely will be called for more work, being as how it was the first of twenty-two episodes.

...I up with some people I've been meaning to talk to, or spend time with. I'm bad at that sometimes. Sometimes I'm somewhat of a space cadet, caught up in my own mind, which is kind of like space, infinite with possibility, or just expanding, until someday maybe my head or entire body might spontaneously combust. BLAM!

...I went shopping! I bought a new pair of shoes, a nice new formal belt and dress socks, come polo shirts, and several dress shirts. I even bought a miniature frying pan. I'm a damn good shopper. Either that I'm horrible at saving money? I've got to say though, it was nice to buy some clothes that didn't have cartoons or offensive material on the front of them. I am after all growing up. I've got grey hairs to prove it.

...I've shed a couple of tears. It has been an emotional week. I've been working out on a regular basis at the gym. My body is going through changes, somatically working what I don't need out, through  blood, sweat, and tears. All necessary, those things, and this week all for the better. I've dealt with a range of emotions, and not just my own. I've help people temper through their emotional storms, been a good guide as well I think. These things happen, and we need them to happen... Without storms nothing new would grow.

...I've been writing. I wrote a short story "Hannah Gets Her Hat Back" recently, a two pager (which I intend to revisit and expand) that I wrote in two and a half hours (rushing near the end because I was late to meet with someone). Anyway, writing that made me think if doing short story exercises more often and I got into writing something else, which I imagine to reach about thirty pages... I'm at nine. Not so short compared to the last one. This one I'm calling "Everything Is Lemonade". Not based on the blog, not at all. The blogs name actually came from the idea for this story that I let die, and decided to revive. Coincidentally, it is about zombies.

...I got stoned. Yes. With my cousin, who played a great set tonight, for many people including some friends, old and new. There were some pretty decent bands. I was sure to let all of them know it before they left. I was given a demo by one instrumental band that I really enjoyed but insisted on paying for it. Oy. I'm still flying. I haven't been stoned in a while. It is not entirely conducive with going to the gym, eating better, and generally trying to be healthier. It was as I said however an emotional week, and it was the right company for it. I didn't have an anxiety reaction to it (as I have other times, despite it having been an emotional week), I just relaxed, enjoyed music, and good company. I didn't even have a stoned-emotional eating reaction, though I have done a fair share of emotional eating. Chocolate coconut-milk crackle-coated ice-cream, crazy good! Rice crackers and avocado hummus! A bag of Smart Food popcorn! All of that healthy emotional eating, minus the Smart Food ironically.

...It's been a while.