I'm An Asshole

I have been told that I'm too nice. I have also been told that I seem to put myself in situations where I should know things aren't going to turn out well for me because of the people I'm in those situations with, and that I seem to do it anyway because of somewhat of a superhero complex, or that I have hopes that there will be a positive outcome, and that my faith in humanity, or people being decent, honest, communicative people, will prevail. I have been proven wrong, far too many times.

I have as a result of recent disappointments started deleting people from my social media today. I did this quietly, as in I didn't reach out to any of them to try to repair or salvage friendships as I usually would. I did this for all but one person... I was curious, so I conducted a social experiment. Before I get to explaining what that was, here is the backstory...

This woman, who for the sake of this blog I'll call Kay, added me to Facebook several months ago. I came across Kay on Tinder (which I've since deleted - fuck that bullshit), and realized that we had met about 15 years ago at a bar in Barrie where we both lived before moving to Toronto. I noticed that we had many mutual friends so I bypassed Tinder and messaged her on Facebook, awkwardly, but politely. The result of that conversation was her adding me, saying that she remembered me, that the message put a huge smile on her face, and that she would love to grab a drink and challenge me to some board games. Seems great, right? As it turned out, Kay was very busy, as a lot of people are these days, so I didn't expect that we would get together any time soon. For several months I would periodically drop her a line and ask if she was free, to which she always had something pop up. She did say she wanted to, so I believed her. Then I started to notice in my newsfeed that she would keep posting status updates about wanting someone to take her out for drinks somewhere cool. I would comment on these posts, and she would "like" my comments, but then not respond to a polite and direct message about being free for a drink. It just so happens that I also very recently came across her profile on a dating site (OKCupid - which I should delete, because it's just more fucking bullshit) on which she advertises herself as wanting to meet fun people for drinks and flirtation. I even messaged her there saying "So, board game challenge and drinks, do you accept?" to which there was no response.

On to the social experiment... I was deleting her already, but I decided that I would send her a message at the same time anyway. In her dating profile, she sold herself as someone who was genuine and honest, and in no way fake. The message I sent her was along the lines of "Hello Kay, I'm not sure I know what I did that has resulted in you not responding to me, but if you didn't want to get that drink any longer, the genuine thing to do would have been to just tell me straight up." and she became LIVID, going on a tirade about how busy she is and never has time to do anything (meanwhile her status updates seem to have her out about 3 nights a week at different bars around the city), and didn't appreciate being accused of being fake. She accused me of being a stalker for noticing her status updates, to which I pointed out that I deleted her and was in no way a stalker, to which she attacked my character saying "goes to show what kind of person you are that you'd delete me instead of remaining friends"... Really? I mean, we were ever friends? Maybe she wasn't intentionally misleading me, or enjoying the attention of someone periodically asking her out that she could put off because she was way too "busy with work" but going out on dates. She immediately went on to contradict herself saying "I've been putting my energy into someone I've been seeing, and dating other people wouldn't feel right," following it up with "I'm single and I want to connect with different people, and I am in no way going to be apologetic for that"... Yet, she attacked my character? Would she have wanted to be friends with me after all of that anyway? Not fucking likely. Was I an asshole for deleting her and simultaneously sending that message? Sure, a little bit, I didn't actually care either way, and would have been open to talking about it maturely had she said "You know what, I was being misleading, it was a dick move" (which didn't happen, clearly), but I was mostly curious what would happen, and in a "no fucks given" mood, and discovered what I had expected anyway, which I pointed out in the last thing I said to her, which was this... It's funny to me, that for all of the times I respectfully and politely checked in with her to do something she said she wanted to do, reconnect with me and have my company, which she was too busy to even respond with a few simple words, that the only way I actually got her attention (and boy did I ever get her attention, she typed a fuck-load) was by being a bit of an asshole. I don't need people in my life who will only pay attention to me if I'm an asshole, nor do I desire to be in the lives of people who are that toxic. Or, maybe I'm just an asshole...

We're Very Likely Fucked Either Way

I have decided to post this as a response to posts I came across on Facebook today, that has been a topic of several discussions I've had over the last several years, as well as being the subject of a debate I did in high school many moons ago, about drug and product testing on criminals rather than animals. Anyway, I did some legitimate research on the internet to acquire the approximate facts before writing it up... It's something I wanted to film as a semi-comedic youtube commercial. If it offends anyone, I recommend chilling-the-fuck-out.

Forgive the format (script writing types), it's the best I could do converting Final Draft to Blogger.

INT. A ROOM OF SOME SORT 

Two men sitting side by side, somewhat apart, half-turned to each other, facing the camera. 

MICHAEL 

I would like to talk with you about drugs. 

NIGEL 

(excitedly) 

I’m listening! 

MICHAEL 

The non-recreational type.

NIGEL 

(less enthusiastic) 

Oh...

MICHAEL 

If you will, consider just for a 

moment the following proposal...

NIGEL 

Please, continue...

MICHAEL 

First, bear in mind... According to 

leading drug researchers, 

approximately 92 of 100 drugs that 

pass animal trials fail during the 

human clinical trial phase.

NIGEL 

For real!?

MICHAEL 

Yes. This massive failure rate is 

typical for animal experiments, 

because even though animals feel 

pain and suffer like we do, they... 

Would you care to guess?

NIGEL 

Their systems often react 

completely differently to drugs and 

diseases than a human’s would? 

MICHAEL 

Precisely.

NIGEL 

Makes sense to me.

MICHAEL 

Secondly, it’s estimated that the 

cost of research and development 

for launching one single drug is 

somewhere in the area of eight- 

hundred million dollars.

NIGEL 

What!?

MICHAEL 

I know, right?

NIGEL 

How many new drugs are launched in a year?

MICHAEL 

A little over 100 thus far in 2014.

NIGEL 

Over eighty billion dollars!?

MICHAEL 

With a 92% failure rate.

NIGEL 

That’s an appalling, almost 

criminal waste of money!

MICHAEL 

Segueing to a third note, totally 

unrelated to drugs and the 

development thereof, is this... A 

single criminal in a maximum 

security prison costs taxpayers 

upwards of two-hundred thousand 

dollars per year, and in 2013 the 

federal prison system’s expenses 

landed somewhere around 2.7 billion 

dollars, with expectations of 

surpassing those numbers in 2014.

NIGEL 

Are you suggesting what I think 

you’re suggesting?

MICHAEL 

Free ice-cream Fridays?

NIGEL 

Yes!

MICHAEL 

No, sorry.

NIGEL 

Damn...

MICHAEL 

What I’m asking is, why test drugs 

and other products on animals when 

the world is overpopulated with so 

many useless humans?

NIGEL 

Don’t all humans, even the useless 

ones, have rights?

MICHAEL 

Sadly, yes. Criminals can take away 

the rights of others, making 

victims of the family and friends 

of the innocent lives they violate, 

and go on to live healthier, and 

more comfortable lives than many 

upstanding, hardworking taxpayers.

NIGEL 

That’s not fair!

MICHAEL 

No, especially when cost of 

maintaining violent criminals in 

overcrowded jails is so high, and 

could easily be privatized by drug 

research and development companies 

who needlessly waste billions of 

dollars on animal trials that fail 

in the human clinical trial phase.

NIGEL 

As you previously stated.

MICHAEL 

Reiteration is important.

NIGEL 

So, you think drug and product 

testing should be done on humans? 

MICHAEL 

Listen, if what you’re making is 

for animals, loyal and loving 

companions to humans, then test 

those on animals, but if you’re 

working on anything for humans, use 

humans. They did it during the Cold 

War, and look at the advancements 

that came from that!

NIGEL 

That would save a lot of animals!

MICHAEL 

Yes, more pets, or food, whatever 

your heart desires.

NIGEL 

Animals are delicious...

MICHAEL 

Yes, and criminals are vicious.

NIGEL 

Imagine what could be done with the 

billions of dollars saved!

MICHAEL 

Yes, think for the sake of society.

NIGEL 

So, murders, pedophiles, mimes?

MICHAEL 

What good are they doing us?

NIGEL 

Do you really think it could work?

MICHAEL 

Honestly? If they cut up their 

brains, maybe they’ll find ways to 

detect and cure those kinds of behaviors?

NIGEL 

That’s, disturbing. 

MICHAEL 

Worse than that, in the long run my 

friend, the spike in efficient drug 

testing will likely result in 

humans living beyond their expected 

years, increasing the world 

population to where we can no 

longer sustain ourselves. Supply 

verses demand, it’s simple math, 

and already a global concern anyway.

NIGEL 

So???

MICHAEL 

We’re fucked either way.

NIGEL 

Oh...

Both men ponderously look away with slight concern... 

Comments? I'd like to hear them... Really.

It's Always Too Early To Tell

I've been feeling that great things are on the horizon for me in 2015, that the plans I was setting in motion were going to come to fruition, and that everything else that seemed to be happening so quickly and unexpectedly was all going to work out for the best. I've been feeling this way for the last few months of 2014. The problem that comes with these feelings, is that nagging "what if it doesn't?" doubt monster who lurks in the dark crevasses of the mind... FUCK YOU DOUBT MONSTER!

It's a fact, that it's always too early to tell if something that seems certain is in actuality going to manifest into reality, and if it does, that it will even last. After all, anything can happen, right? That being life, a lot of unexpected life re-evaluation prompting events did occur in 2014... I lost a troubled, but good friend. The health of my father was in a very concerning state. My mother was devastated by the loss of her boyfriend, a man who was nothing but kind and giving to myself and many people in my life. My brother and sister-in-law were also under tremendous amounts of stress, and almost lost their soon to be born second child. My own health even took a nasty blow as the asthma I once had as a child resurfaced with a vengeance. It was a physically and emotionally taxing year. Through it all, I have tried to remain positive, looking at that life glass and not thinking it was half empty, or half full, but that there was room for more, and that maybe I shouldn't put all of my water into one glass...

I sit here now awaiting a very late response regarding further truck driving training with one of two film companies that said they would very likely have work for me starting in March or April (having acquired my truck - plus additional classifications - driving license, staying ahead on the path with personal goals I set for my life plan), and am simultaneously contemplating the complexities of human behavior with regards to relationships. It seems as though I keep finding myself in situations where people develop expectations of me to be kind and understanding (as is my nature) at their convenience, without consideration of my own feelings. I feel like this pattern is soon to change in 2015 as well, not because I'm going to change who I am, but because I'm really starting to recognize the taker mentality in people, and won't stand for anything less than at least somewhat reciprocal friendship anymore. So there is that, there is the two highly potential job avenues to further my life goals, there is the moving of apartments soon to be taking place that will greatly improve my health and creative spirit, and the improving well-being of family and friends that I am feeling good about for 2015... Yes, it is still all too early to tell, but I am hoping for the best, not just for myself, but for all of you too.

<3

p.s. To my friends that I see frequently, and sometimes only rarely, I fucking love you all.