I am a healthy, fortunate, young man, in a developed opportunity-filled country. I am following my dreams, or at least elements of them, and taking things as they come one day at a time, I'm making progress... The path may not have been so direct as I had imagined taking it, but sometimes currents are powerful and once you take the dive, they take you, and you either swim off to the side and get out, fight to stay afloat, or drown. I am proud of myself for eventually taking the chances that lead me to where I am now, and for making positive changes in my attitude... So why do I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, why do I sometimes find myself pondering the worth of my life and reasons for living? I'm not a king, or a diplomat, nor have I been charged with the responsibility of saving the world and it's people. The only weight on my shoulders is that which I choose to carry... That is the answer actually, as simple as can be, I feel that way because I allow myself to feel that way. We all do it. Why?
That, I don't think I have the answer for, because there are just too many right answers. Fact of the matter is when things are at their best, we tend to expect the worst. So, in that sense, things must be going well for me, because lately I've been thinking some unnecessarily upsetting things...
Luckily, there are just as many solutions...
I figure there are three types of people in the world: 1) People who manifest positive energy. 2) People who manifest negative energy. 3) People who manifest neutral energy. Then there are those from each of the three, which is potentially everyone, who manifest whichever kind of energy they choose given the condition of their spirit, their mood, and their nature, relating to a cornucopia of situations, at any given moment of every day. I consider myself the positive type, as in a majority of the time... That said, I have a lot of negative thoughts. Though I may not allow those thoughts to manifest into reality, and often turn them into positive thoughts, sometimes they can create stress, and depression, and anxiety.
Where is one of these solutions I mentioned? It is within you to discover for yourself...
Here is an example...
You've started a new job and things are going very well. You enjoy what you do and you do it well. You begin to think something irrational like "I don't think my boss likes me, I don't think they're happy with me"... What happens then? Do you feel awkward and make up stories in your head that create an odd tension whenever you're around your boss, or do you tell yourself "It doesn't matter what my boss thinks, I could be wrong, the important thing is that I'm doing my job and I'm doing it well... What can I do however, to be better for myself?" and/or "My boss likes me, maybe things just seem odd because they have having an off day, and I should be mindful of that." ...See where I'm going with this? I hope so because I'm beginning to feel a little lost again.
I was feeling cooped up yesterday. I got home at 6:30am after working out of the city, on set for close to thirteen hours, and slept for only about five hours. Anyway, I was feeling cooped up and someone very close to me pointed out how the last few times she's called me and I've been at home, that I've felt like I've been cooped up. It didn't really occur to me that I felt that way so much until she pointed it out. I've been trying my best to not feel that way. I go to the gym, except when the weather has been crap, which it was yesterday, or I just accept that I feel that way and try to be productive. Once in a while, I'll try to get out and see some friends... Then I started to realize one of the things that has been bothering me. Friends... Or rather, feeling like I don't have any. This is not entirely true... I do have friends, lots of friends, I have some very close friends that I've known for most of my life still... The only problem with those ones is, I see them very rarely, maybe two or three times a year, and communicate with them infrequently. I have other friends, ones whom I see in groups about once a week or every other week on average these days, but then I don't feel a lot of those friends really know a lot about me. They know pieces, but do they know me? Does it matter? They're still good friends... The best friends though, the few that I have, I either don't see much at all, or befriended because they ended up not being very good friends, and were just people who took advantage of me, and others we've lost touch with time. Sometimes that makes me feel like I'm a bad friend, and that I have no best friends... That I don't have many people I feel like I connect with one on one, and it feels lonely.
Then it occurred to me that I feel disconnected. I don't see my family much. I live on my own now and although it is something I need, and enjoy, I no longer have people whose company I enjoy for simple shit like watching shows or discussing creative ideas close by, on a whim. I have a wonderful girlfriend whose company I enjoy more than anything, or maybe as equally as top quality chocolate or a fancy meal with a superb glass of vino, or a great day of work, or a night out with friends and many laughs... Yeah, I enjoy her that much. Sometimes though, I feel inadequate... I wonder why she even likes me. She has so many friends and acquaintances who she admires and respects for their talents and creativity, as they do her. She has these great connections to people, and these connections are things that I feel I am lacking... Am I worrying when I shouldn't be worrying? She tells me she loves me. She shows me she loves me. Am I just looking for problems because I am happy and expect things to go wrong, or do I feel bad for being happy when things in the world aren't so great? Maybe that's it? What can I do though?
What can we do? Maybe seeking professional help is the answer? Maybe I need a therapist? Maybe EVERYONE needs to sit in a circle and share their fears, their joys, their deepest darkest thoughts and secrets, and discover whether or not they are alone. If this happens, people who don't understand another should learn to not be so judgmental, and people who understand but disagree should learn to be compassionate. Maybe some people don't have problems, but I would think most people have questions... Everyone has a different perspective, and answers can often come from the places you least expect them. Why aren't we helping each other on a larger scale?
Fuck, I feel like I'm rambling. I think I just needed to sit at the circle and share. Call me crazy, irrational, call me whatever you wish. I am just being honest.
Anyway... I realize I should touch base with my friends more often. If I feel disconnected I should reconnect myself in some way rather than feel stagnant. So yesterday, I did that. I got together with two friends, played video games, had some pizza, some beer, and even worked a little bit on a project the three of us have been discussing doing, being, making a video game. Baby steps.
To my friends, family, and my love: I appreciate all of you. I probably don't say it enough, and with some maybe not at all. I do value the time we share though, and wish sometimes that there was more time to spend in your company. Sadly, we only have so much time, and many dreams and responsibilities...
To everyone else: Thanks for listening.
